My most embarrassing moment ever!!!

This is hands down the most embarrassing moment I’ve ever had, and it happened just a couple of months ago, on a work trip, in front of several women I admire and had been looking forward to meeting.

Let’s back up a little to give you some context. If you’ve been part of our IG/FB family for a while, then you know I’ve struggled with anxiety for years. It’s gotten worse over time and, of course, it shows up at the most inconvenient moments, lol.

Here’s how it usually goes: I feel my chest tighten, my breath gets shallow (if I even remember to breathe), my brain kicks into “oh god, it’s happening, get the hell out of here” mode. Fight or flight takes over. My body starts shaking, I start sweating, and I feel like I’m going to pass out. That’s when I know I’ve hit a 10 on the panic scale.

Over the years, this has gone from being a once-in-a-while thing to something that happens constantly. Going to the doctor, talking to people, standing in any line (TSA, grocery store, nail salon)… basically, anytime I leave the house, it’s a possibility. I honestly started to feel like I was going insane. This wasn’t me. I love being out, trying new things, seeing my friends. But I felt trapped.

I’ve tried so many different treatments over the years, short of big pharma. (Nothing against it — do what works for you. I just personally avoid meds because of my mom’s history with addiction.) I’ve done tapping, pressure point therapy, hypnotherapy, workouts, breathwork, meditation, journaling, and eventually started exploring plant-based medicine like mushrooms, ayahuasca, and iboga.

Ok, back to the story. This isn’t about how I healed my anxiety naturally. That’s coming in the next article, so stay tuned.

I had a food blogger retreat booked to learn new things for The Salty Cooker. About 10 other women were going, including a creator I’d known on IG for years and couldn’t wait to meet in person. I was so excited and tried to stay focused on that.

But two weeks before the trip, I started feeling off. My body just knew something wasn’t right. Deep down, I had this feeling I shouldn’t be going. But I pushed through, like I always do. If you know me, you know I’m a do-er.

Joe and I had planned to make a full trip out of it. First the retreat in Utah, then heading to California to see one of our best friends and meet his new wife. Since Joe works in e-commerce, he figured he might pick up some useful stuff too.

At the airport, we went through TSA PreCheck, and that’s when the panic hit. Hard. Like someone punched me in the chest. It nearly knocked me off my feet. I turned to Joe and told him I was having a full-blown panic attack. He was shocked, because usually I don’t say anything. I just push through in silence because I’m embarrassed. He rubbed my back and reminded me to breathe.

We made it through TSA, but I was in full flight mode the rest of the day. We landed in Utah, and I was still panicking. The retreat was the next day. What if I had another attack there? What would everyone think?

We walked around and found a float spa place. We’d always wanted to try it, and it felt like the right time. The float helped a bit, but something still felt off in my chest.

Then I made one of the worst decisions of my life, lol. I decided to try CBD oil. I’d used it a few times before to calm my nerves at doctor’s appointments, and it usually helped. I grabbed a stronger bottle they recommended and planned to take it in the morning before the retreat.

The next morning, I did deep breathwork, a long meditation, and journaling. Then I took a vial of the CBD oil, thinking I’d be fine. As we walked up to the building, I heard a car door shut. One of the women I had been dying to meet was right there. She radiates love. I yelled her name, and we hugged. It was so good to finally meet after all those years on Instagram.

We walked inside together. Everyone else was there — the teachers, the other host I was excited to meet, and all the attendees. As soon as I stepped in, another wave of anxiety hit my chest. I said hi and hugged people, but I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. I excused myself to the bathroom to try to regroup.

Back in the room, I remembered what a hypnotherapist once told me: tell people you have anxiety so it doesn’t have power. I made a light joke about my energy being off, but their faces looked halfway concerned, so I dropped it. 🤣

The retreat started and was going great. Then we broke for lunch. I could tell I was starting to feel weird again, so I went to the bathroom and took more CBD oil.

Welp… that stuff was way stronger than I expected. Within 10 to 20 minutes, I felt like I had downed a fifth of Jack Daniels. I was slurring my words, the room was spinning, I could barely see straight. I tried splashing cold water on my face — nothing helped. I went outside for air, and that’s when I knew I was too far gone to go back in.

Joe came out to check on me, and I told him I was done. I didn’t feel right, and I needed to leave. He grabbed my stuff, and we went back to the hotel where I slept off the CBD for hours.

I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. I left early, and I was a slurring mess in front of women I respect so much. I didn’t go back the next day. My nerves were shot. I couldn’t even stomach the idea of seeing everyone again.

The silver lining? One of the retreat leaders was a therapist I really connected with. She’s more spiritual than clinical. I got her info, and I’ve been working with her ever since.

The two women I knew from IG were so kind. One left a sweet note in my workbook, and they both checked in on me afterward.

The moral of the story? Trust your gut. Know when to push, and when not to.

Through these articles, I’ll share some of my deepest journeys — good and bad — with you. This is just the beginning of what turned out to be the most life-changing path I’ve ever walked. It led me to healing my anxiety naturally and finding a real spiritual awakening.